Monday, 20 November 2017

Session 158 - The Beginning of the End

Dark days ahead for the world, and for the Barrowmaze party.
Will they survive? And even if they do, will they survive the end of days?

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- The Word of Seraph Dawnstride continues

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- I have been baptised!

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- Galaxy Johnson's wrist-mounted energy cannon designs

Session 158 - The Beginning of the End

Campaign Date:
Wednesday, 18 November, 1600
Moon Phase: Waxing Crescent
Zodiac: Libra

New Backstory:
- Bertha married POWERLAD! for money at first, but over time she's come to love him dearly. (+1 Intelligence)
- Ratimir was sent to Room 101... as the rat that got put in that face cage. He feels great remorse for doing the work at the behest of the ruling human overclass... even though he went back to his torturous work night after night. (+1 to repeat a successful action)
- Before Coalminer Dan found Galaxy Johnson's soul gem, it was found by a group of grubby goblins. He chose not to possess them because they were below his station, but they truly adored their strange glowing god. (Henchmen standing next to you are immune to morale)

Enemies Defeated:
- A bunch of mongreloids (40 exp)
- Some giant flies (100 exp)
- Some giant spiders (200 exp)
Total: 340 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- Poison fang
- Potion #197
- Potion #248
- Ring with catseye gem (1100 exp)
Total: 1100 exp

- Explored 10 dungeon rooms (200 exp)
- Secret door found (50 exp)
- First party to find the Pit of Souls (1000 exp)
- 4 wandering monsters rolled (200 exp)
- First party to pass through Rote (500 exp)
- First party to enter Fortress-City Fate in half a century (1000 exp)
- Travelled like 100 miles (850 exp)
Total: 3800 exp

- The party awaken in the forest glade, statue quiescent. The ground trembles. As they stumble back to Helix, blinding white light burns briefly through the leaves overhead. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson and Seraph feel their Elven powers waxing to maximum - this is the time of the New Moon. Galaxy Johnson's skin dulls to an ashen grey, and Seraph's head is set with a glowing halo of light. (50 exp)
- The party emerge from the woods to find everyone in Helix standing around gawping at the sky. Seraph takes the opportunity for some good old fashioned "THE END IS NIGH!". (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson uses his enhanced climbing powers to spookily crawl his way up the church spire to get a better look at the goings-on. (50 exp)
- It's looking crazy out there. Objects are falling from the heavens, the earth shakes, wiggling lines emerge, and a violent spear of light beams down towards something over the horizon creating shimmering aurorae. (50 exp)

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- Seraph is gripped with the need to warn the Fated Queen about what has happened, steals a horse, and rides out. Onwards! (50 exp)
- The rest decide that following the map to the danger zone will lead to the Ossuary of All Bones and thus control of all Dead in Loegria. The team set off to the Barrowmaze once again. (50 exp)
--- Team Seraph
- Seraph heads out alone under the falling sky. The ferryman to Treehole comments that the water level of the river seems to be getting lower. In every town she passes, people are out of their houses staring. Those who see her are amazed and fall down, praising. (50 exp)
- The road is long, but Seraph keeps going. Passing through Fisket and heading off down the coast at a steady pace. As she passes through Rote, she checks out outgoing vessels in the port. Several seem interesting, but she continues along the road. (50 exp)

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- As she gets closer to Fate she sees it has a roiling cloud of steam rising above it. Spikes of light keep beaming down in the distance. She reaches the outside tramline station of Dead End and takes the fancy Fate transport links all the way to the Sciotherico. (50 exp)
- Seeing the several long queues into the audience chamber, Seraph tries something fancy - she snorts a line of fairy dust and rises above the crowd. With her golden halo and her beatific smile, the crowd are amazed and part for her! (50 exp)

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- The crowds have bowed down, and the guards ask her what she needs with worshipful eyes. She says she has been sent from heaven to speak with the Fated Queen, and does not mention that she took the tube here. (50 exp)
- She is led to the Queen's audience chamber, past the rows of bank teller-style boxes and the Actuarial Halls. It is guarded by stern men with brass helmets and steel spears. In awe, they let her pass. (50 exp)
- The Fated Queen sits upon her throne. It is, of course, Jade. Seated to her sides and behind her are her advisors - a skull on a pillar to her right, an androgynous high-collared bald figure on her left, and a man in shadow with black cloth around his eyes elevated behind. (50 exp)
- "Well, this is new" starts Jade, who fairly quickly surmises that Seraph must be an Elf like her, probably also a Wastrel, and demonstrates her own face-shifting ability. (50 exp)
- The skull on the pillar chatters quiet advice. It's Guido, of course! If only we could tell him that we're happy he made it out of Mt Death Frost, but alas, that was a former age. (50 exp)
- Seraph informs the Queen that the Mould is defeated as the result of a wish, but that same wish resulted in Shub-Niggurath beginning to rise. We now need every single person to help fight the abomination! (50 exp)
- An increasingly confused and angry Fated Queen thanks Seraph for the information, but reveals that she herself might be in over her head. Ancient failsafes are triggering, nobody knows what's going on, and it seems that the city itself is reconfiguring into "Battlefortress Fate" whatever that is. (50 exp)
- She dismisses Seraph to give herself time to think, but Seraph racks up another line of fairy dust. She zips in to nab Guido, discovers that his head is attached to a long spin going into the pillar, and then just flies away out the window giving everyone the finger. (50 exp)

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- The crowds see the angel ascend from a shattered window of the Sciotherico, surrounded with glittering glass, and fly out and away. A great portent indeed! (50 exp)
--- Team Bertha
- Bertha, Nix, Randy, Ratimir and Galaxy Johnson jump off Grim Charlie's wagon and rush towards the Barrowmaze. It's speedrun time! (50 exp)

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- They reach the snake-of-snakes room. Ratimir and Galaxy Johnson crawl across the ceiling to distract it while everyone else sprints through. Keep going! (50 exp)
- Some chanting from the temple room draws attention. Inside, some robed figures. Nix puts on her long-kept egg necklace and... hears their tentacle speech! They praise the tentacle! (50 exp)
- Whatever. They shut the door and run on at a rapid pace! In the rock monster room some muffled shushing is heard, and as the party run out the other side there is an audible sigh of relief. (50 exp)
- Some of those mixed-species mongrel people are in the way. Galaxy points his wrist cannon and demands to know where the Ossuary of All Bones is, but they flee screaming. (50 exp)
- The secret door aka the furthest point yet seen is reached. Inside, there is a strange buzzing sound... (50 exp)
- It's undead flies! Like, big ones. Obviously. Otherwise it would be silly. Nix takes one down handily, while Galaxy Johnson uses his new shadow-shifting-near-walls ability to evade attack. Bertha sucks down a Last Breath and breathes - "OBEY!" (50 exp)

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- All three remaining giant flies are hers to command! Ratimir summons his rodent comrades and they speak much of communism, and that the next room contains spiders! (50 exp)

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- Opening the door, there do seem to be a lot of dead flies on the floor. The map is consulted. It seems that whoever drew the map screwed up somewhere along the line... (50 exp)
- Fuck it. The flies charge in to kill one spider in a real role reversal, while Ratimir's rats swarm another with cries of "сука блядь!!!!" (50 exp)
- The spiders are pretty well owned. Good work. Galaxy Johnson seizes a venomous fang. Nice! (50 exp)
- A secret door is discovered and a lone skeleton is smashed before it can so much as mime "don't shoot!". I feel kinda sorry for him, he must have been waiting behind that door for ages. (50 exp)
- Also behind the door... a fountain! It says "Pay Your Dues". Nix flips some coins in and it totally works! Potions float to the surface. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson tosses a baggie of Otherpot in, but a hand grabs it and throws it back while an ominous voice says "this is mysteriously light for an ounce of weed!" (50 exp)
- Bertha cuts herself and drips blood into the fountain. The water-spirits within speak, and raise coins to the surface with their watery hands. Nobody takes their bait of entering the water to get the goooold. (50 exp)
- Consulting the map again, something's gone wrong. It takes a bit of backtracking to get back on the right path, but they do it! There's a portcullis in the way, but Nix lifts it easily with the help of Randy's size beam. (50 exp)
- A bunch of reliefs of different times the Dead sealed a tentacle are all the way along one wall. The next room, beyond another portcullis, has a bunch of holes in the ground... (50 exp)
- Bertha votes for ignoring them, but Ratimir has other ideas. He sends a rat down one of the holes... and it sets off some paralyzing darts! Nix and Galaxy go down for ten minutes. Oops. (50 exp)

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- Ratimir sends rats down all the others, finding a few bits and pieces and a cat's eye gem worth a fair amount of money! Hurrah! (50 exp)
- It's the home stretch. With glee, Bertha leads the way towards the big double doors marked Danger on the map. Nice! There is a roaring rushing sound behind the door. (50 exp)
- It opens into a large room, a pit with purple-black energy swirling in it in the centre, and a big statue of a vampire in roman bronze at the back of the room. (50 exp)
- More importantly, there's strange creature chained so that it floats over the pit. A big eyeball with many other eyeballs on stalks around it's head. Finally a proper D&D monster - the Beholder! (50 exp)
- Nix puts on her tentacle egg necklace and hears nothing but screams. Randy goes for the Size beam again and increases her beefiness! (50 exp)
- She tries to speak to the Beholder, but it only cackles madly in several different voices. There is a great stench as three yellow fluid-dripping creatures crawl out of the pit as its eyes roll crazily. (50 exp)
- Its central eye goes black, and Nix finds herself shrinking. It's an anti-magic field! (50 exp)
- The ghouls rush Galaxy Johnson and Randy, and the Beholder shuts off the anti-magic field for long enough to zap Nix with an eye ray! She fails the save... and is charmed into wanting to protect the Beholder. (50 exp)
- Ratimir gambits, flinging a rat towards the beholder's head where it begins chewing through one of the beholder's eye stalks! (50 exp)
- Bertha takes aim with her crossbow and gambits, trying to blind the beholder's central eye... but she gets a double miss. The bolt goes wide and the crossbow string snaps back into her eyes. Bertha is blind! (50 exp)
- The party is left on a cliffhanger. Nix charmed, Bertha blind, and a bunch of stinky ghoul things in prime position to paralyze... things are looking dire. (50 exp) 
Total: 2500 exp

- Absolutely Disgusting bonus (50 exp)
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Best of Intentions bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)
- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)
- Diplomancy bonus (50 exp)
- Fame bonus (50 exp)
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus (50 exp)
- Noblebright bonus (50 exp)
- Mad Inventor bonus (50 exp)
- Master of Disguise bonus (50 exp)
- Politico bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Split the Party bonus (50 exp)
- SpOOoOOoOoOoky bonus (50 exp)
- What Could Possibly Go Wrong bonus (50 exp)
Total: 800 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:
- Remembrancer (Charles / Galaxy Johnson - 100 exp)
- Caller (James / Ratimir - 100 exp)
- Mapper (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Treasurer (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Guard (Tom / Seraph - 100 exp)
- Tracker (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Chippo Man bonus (Fraser - 200 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Tom - 500 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Tom - 100 exp)
- Artapalooza bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Attacco d'Arte bonus (Tom - 100 exp)

- There are goblins among the Dead, friend. They can't be turned into skeletons or zombies or nothin' so the Dead just ignore 'em.
- It is the time of revelations! The earth is being torn asunder, angels fall from the sky to judge Man! Pray to the Nine, only they can save us!
- The merchant vessels from Rote go to new and strange lands, from the Northern Wastes to the Lost World of Darkest Africa!
- Mt Deathfrost has never been successfully invaded. Everyone who has gone there has died.
- Bring dogs with you whenever you must go into the deeper deadlands. The Dead detest dogs, and will always kill them first.

Active Businesses:
- Bone Alone. Wild. 318sp. (Zena's Stake: 212sp, Carrie's Stake: 106sp)
- Spicy Mac's Spices. Risky. (Liquidated)
- Honey Healing. Safe. 2014sp. (Nix's Stake: 1679sp. Bertha's Stake: 335sp)

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Bertha, blinded by a crossbow gambit gone bad

Exp Totals:
- Fraser / Nix Neckbiter, Level 6 Barbarian: 62312 (Level up at 64000)
--- Randy, Level 1 Hench-Dwarf: 777 (Level up at 2200)
- Charles / Galaxy Johnson, Level 3 Elf (Alpdrucke): 11309 (Level up at 12000)
- James / Ratimir, Level 4 Ratman: 6934 (Level up at 12000)
*DING!* +1d6 HP! Max rats: 16! +backstory!
- Kitty / Bertha, Level 3 Necromancer: 4891 (Level up at 9000)
*DING!* +1d4 HP! +1 level 2 spell/day! +free spell! +backstory!
- Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 2 Elf (Living Saint): 3973 (Level up at 6000)
*DING!* +1d6 HP! +1 level 1 spell/day! +free spell! +backstory!
Absent or Retired:
- Andy / Carrie Meleste, Level 5 Cleric: 25557 (Level up at 28000)
- Kitty / POWERLAD!, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 53279 (Level up at 72000)
- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)
- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)
- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)
- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 41566 (Level up at 64000)
- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)
- Nix's Retainer
--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling
- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)
- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)
- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)
- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)
- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp
- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)
- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)
- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)
- Ollie / Andromeda Spiderbite, Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19872 (Level up at 36000)
- Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)
- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)

Wednesday, 15 November 2017

Session 157 - Candy Crushers

This is REALLY LATE so fuck it I'm sending it now, see you guys in half an hour. COMING IN HOT!

The Halloween Special was a hell of a ride.
Terrifyingly fluffy poodles, adorably murderous cherubs, and a beautiful unicorn of ancient doom.

Plus, massive campaign upheaval!
We're here for a good time, not for the end times.

Excerpt from The Termaxian Battletome, Book of Seraph, Chapter 3 verses 1-6. 1 On the first day of her time in Loegria, Seraph, who is known as Sister Dawnstride, and her disciples came to the woods of Helix, near Moondin, that is known today as Rakedin. 2 There they found the kingdom of the half-men, and, having been met with some resistance, went against the infidels. 3 On the second day Seraph said: “Go, now, and slay the half-men. For though they wear upon their faces sweet smiles, in their hearts is nought but sin.” And so it is that on All Hallow’s Eve the priests of Termax go from door to door slaughtering those below four feet in the name of the LORD. 4 On the third day, that is All Hallow’s Eve, Seraph and her disciples went to the Tower of the Princess, to whose rule the half-men were bound. Seraph and the Princess quarrelled, and in their quarrelling both were cast from the tower. 5 The LORD looked upon Seraph, and said, “let she who cometh in the name of the LORD fall with the grace of a feather.” And lo, Seraph fell to the ground and suffered no wounds. 6 Seraph said, “Rejoice thee, Princess, for thy death is without sin,” and the Princess was slain.
Tom announces unto us the word of the LORD

Session 157 - Candy Crushers

Campaign Date:
Sunday, 14 November, 1600
Moon Phase: Waning Crescent
Zodiac: Libra

New Characters:
 Seraph Dawnstride, a Termaxian Cleric with a familiar name.

New Backstory:
- Galaxy Johnson pissed off an inquisitor on his home planet over some indescribable alien issue. His soul was encased in a crystal and flung into the depths of space as punishment. The crystal eventually reached Earth, where it was discovered by a coalminer named Dan. (At will, cause a creature to prioritise you)

Enemies Defeated:
- A big ol' bear (100 exp)
- Mr Sparkles the Unicorn (1000 exp)
- A little girl (0 exp)
Total: 1100 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- Book #214 - The Accursed hexenbracken
- Book #192 - Heliocentrism
- Book #120 - Misted Cymry
- Book #250 - General Anatomy
- Book #154 - The nature of Death
- Book #111 - Ninhursag, Clathrate Dragon
- Potion #33
- Potion #182
- Vial of Madness Spores
- Goblin Key locks any door
- Sign of the Blinded Gods
- Poison recipe
- 3 bottles of poisoned honey wine
Total: 0 exp

- Travelled for half a day through the forest (50 exp)
- First party to visit the Land of Milk and Honey (200 exp)
Total: 250 exp
Events:- It is the spoookiest time of year in the real world and this spooOoOOoky energy has compelled our group of debatable heroes to find the Halloween Special! (50 exp)
- A group of Halfling refugees, displaced from their ancestral home by the strange goings-on in the western Forest of Moondine, were recently seen travelling into the straggly Elf forest north of Helix... but they haven't been seen since. (50 exp)
- The party sets off, Galaxy Johnson back in control of Coalminer Dan's body now that the moon is right. Travelling through the scraggly trees, the foliage begins to get more lush. Suddenly, a boar! (50 exp)
- It has red glowing eyes and stamps the ground angrily! Loki approaches, seemingly mollifying it, before Carrie slips a gimp mask over its head and angers it! (50 exp)
- Loki jumps on its back, using the gimp mask's reins to hold on! Carrie runs back to the now-maskless gimp and they stretch a whip across the boar's path! (50 exp)
- It's fucking slapstick mayhem as the whip gets caught on the boar's tusks and Carrie and her gimp are dragged along behind! On top of the boar, Loki begins to cast a spell! (50 exp)

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- He tries to spell swap but the attempt goes awry, the magic coalescing around him and the boar... suddenly both are transformed into orange goop! Carrie and the gimp skid through the puddle of former boar and elf, horrified and/or aroused. (50 exp)
- A vial of Loki's former form is scooped up into a vial. It still, horrifyingly, has some of Loki's intelligence. (50 exp)
- They continue on, and the forest gets more lush. Sunlight filters through the leaves above. Everything is looking so nice, like it's gone from winter to spring. (50 exp)
- They reach a point where the Halfling's trail can be seen smashing its way through the lush forest. They follow, eventually reaching the Halfling camp. There is a soft green light in one direction, and a trail of small barefoot footprints going in another. (50 exp)

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- Not ones to look a gift horse in the mouth, the party loot the campsite. It's like everyone up and left all at once. Food is still in cookpots, clothes are still on the line. Where'd everyone go? (50 exp)
- At least there's loot! Specifically a ton of books, a recipe for poison next to some poisoned honey wine, and a few other things. (50 exp)
- Satisfied, the party head to the green glow. Galaxy uses his latent Spiderclimb Elf powers to creepily climb up a tree and investigate. (50 exp)

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- He sees a very small fairy lady inside a ring of colourful mushrooms. She sounds super drunk and is crying, like that one girl at a teenage house party. Her mascara is all over the place. (50 exp)
- Seraph Dawnstride has turned up around this time, also investigating the area, and is playing the pipes. The fairy girl dances to the sick tunes. (50 exp)
- When questioned, she explains that she came here to get granted a wish by a statue but a bunch of Halflings beat her to it! Bummer! (50 exp)
- Someone feeds her a ration, thinking it'll help, but she starts vomiting up golden fairy dust. Seraph and Galaxy Johnson rub it all over themselves, the freaks. But then they start to fly! They do believe in fairies! (50 exp)

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- The vial of Loki is fed some mushroom and some fairy dust - it turns violet and starts floating around! (50 exp)
- The party let the green fairy get on with it and head to the statue. All the Halfling footprints lead here - through a low hole in a hedge surrounding a weird looking statue covered with little strips of paper sealed on with wax, purity seal style. (50 exp)
- Seraph and Galaxy Johnson fly over the hedge to inspect the statue... but as they get closer the statue seems to go backwards away from them and become huge and vast! At its feet, a whole gingerbread village on an island nestled between two strange rivers. (50 exp)
- The rest of the party crawl through the hole under the hedge, emerging into a land of gently waving paper grass growing on brown sugar soil. (50 exp)

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- Ahead, they see what the others can see from the air - a gingerbread village. There is a candy bridge over the rivers into the town, and closer to them is a windmill with biscuit wafer sails. (50 exp)
- The windmill is investigated. Inside are bags of suger and two great big biscuits for millstones. In the corner, covered in blood, is the corpse of a Halfling. It seemed he chewed his wrists open with rotten teeth. (50 exp)
- The flying team descend towards the town. They can see a lot of happy Halflings, a lot of cherubs, and cuddly bears walking around. The statue gets further and smaller, eventually disappearing behind a white tower in the middle of town. (50 exp)
- They alight lightly on the balcony of the ivory tower. The doors have stained glass images of princesses and flowers and unicorns and all that good stuff. (50 exp)
- The ground team crosses the liquorice bridge into the town proper, passing by some happy bears wandering over the bridge. The Halflings here are all beaming big smiles, but all have bad teeth and a bad acne. Too many sweets, the party think. (50 exp)
- Bertha tries speaking to one, and he tells them through gritted teeth that they need to GET OUT. Suddenly he breaks down saying "I CAN'T TAKE IT ANY MORE!" and the cherubs and bears mob him, saying "oh no looks like someone's sad!" (50 exp)
- He gets carried to the town square and is lowered onto the spike of a sharpened candy cane. He begins to scream as the other Halflings come to watch the mandatory no-happy dance. (50 exp)
- Carrie Meleste slings the vial of Loki towards the screaming mouth of the Halfling with perfect accuracy, what a throw! As Loki's goop-corpse is swallowed down, the Halfling is amazed to find his bum inflating like a balloon and carrying him away into the sky! (50 exp)

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- The cupids are in disarray and just sort of let him float up up and away into the sky, Yay! The Halfling villagers shout in glee! (50 exp)
- Up the tower, Seraph pops a mushroom she took from the fairy patch and suddenly mutates into an Elf. She doubles over, ears erupting from her head, as the fae magic corrupts her. Cool! (50 exp)
- They open the door from the balcony and see a corridor with four doors, ending in a staircase down. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson opens one of the doors and looks out into the howling depths of space. Stars glimmer, a rainbow comet surges in the distance, and spinning slowly is the strange paper-covered statue. (50 exp)
- "I'm home!" says Galaxy Johnson gleefully, and jumps through the door. Space is warm and breathable, apparently. The rainbow comet turns and comes towards him. (50 exp)
- The statue booms in Galaxy's mind - "The first wish must end before another wish can be made". Seraph floats in too, marvelling at the zero-G. (50 exp)
- The comet gets closer, and it's a beautiful rainbow unicorn with beautiful rainbow wings! Galaxy Johnson nopes out, but Seraph stays as the unicorn gets close. The wings beat loudly, her vision is full of it, it's all she can see. (50 exp)
- "Wouldst though like the taste of candy?" it grates in a voice deep and vast, "A pretty princess dress? Wouldst though like to live.... deliciously?" (50 exp)

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- The door slams shut behind Galaxy Johnson as he swims back through space and into the corridor. Nearby, another door opens.... (50 exp)
- Down in the town, Bertha and co enter a house and question a Halfling about what's going on. Still smiling, he tells them about the child's wish for happiness that has brought them nothing but pain. As his smile falters, the purple face of a giant poodle can be seen at the window. It growls low and violent. (50 exp)
- The Halfling sees it and says "NO! PLEASE! PLEEEAAASE!". The Poodle SMASHES through the gingerbread wall and savages the Halfling, blood sprays everywhere and the Halfling screams in horror and pain! (50 exp)
- The party laugh, "haha good doggy!" and plaster smiles to their faces. The Poodle eyes them, blood soaking into its purple fur, and licks chunks of meat from its muzzle. (50 exp)
- Ratimir is causing problems by explaining to confused cupids that he's Russian and thus satisfied on the inside without looking happy on the outside. His strange mix of optimism and nihilism in the face of communism confuses the cupids into letting him be. (50 exp)
- The party, smiling except for Ratimir who gets a pass, make their way to the ivory tower. Behind the rose-tinted glass of the front door is a big ol' cuddly bear.  It seems depressed. Carrie cures its depression, which makes it happy to KILL! (50 exp)
- It hugs Carrie and she disappears in a puff of brimstone... because Andy has to leave early. She'll be back at a convenient time I'm sure. (50 exp)
- Up in the tower, the door in front of Galaxy Johnson open to reveal a princess with a pointy hat and a pretty dress and a star sceptre and all the rest. (50 exp)
- She explains that she's not the little girl who made the wish, that girl is sleeping and happy! (50 exp)
- Seraph leaves the space room but is pursued by Mr Sparkles the unicorn. The princess tells the unicorn not to be silly and closes the door with a wave of her wand. (50 exp)
- Galaxy Johnson floats towards the balcony and flies around the tower. The princess, on sparkly butterfly wings, follows. (50 exp)
- Suddenly, behind Seraph, a glowing silver unicorn horn pierces through the door! "YOU CANNOT ESCAPE ME!" screams Mr Sparkles. (50 exp)
- Seraph flees into another room, this one has a little girl sleeping on a bed surrounded by toys! (50 exp)
- Seraph, seeing her chance, leaps to murder the girl. He toys come to life in her defence! (50 exp)

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- Downstairs, the rest of the party dodge past the bear and run up the stairs. It's too fat to chase after them! (50 exp)
- Bertha crests the top of the stairs and looks down the corridor only to see a door at the end smash open and a beautiful unicorn charge out and stampede towards her! (50 exp)
- The unicorn sees Bertha, stops, and gives another version of its WOULDST THOU LIKE TO LIVE DELICIOUSLY speech. She offers it honey wine, and the unicorn accepts. (50 exp)
- It was poisoned honey wine. The unicorn screams in pain! Its flesh begins rippling and falling off, turning into candy, The melting candycorn reveals a man in a wooden unicorn mask underneath, who runs out to the balcony! (50 exp)

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- Galaxy Johnson runs to tackle him off the balcony, but misses and is thrown off the balcony himself! Thankfully, he can fly. (50 exp)
- In the girl's bedroom, Seraph is still fighting off toys. Nix rushes in and rips Stretch Armstrong to shreds. (50 exp)
- Ratman tries to grab the toys to get them away, but in Soviet Russia, toy grab you! (50 exp)
- The princess bursts through the stained sugar-glass window and tells everyone to stop! She aims a blast from her wand at Nix, who is suddenly blasted to 0HP as a bunch of her body turns to candy! (50 exp)
- Seraph jumps over the toys, distracted by Ratimir, and grabs the girl! Together they crash through the window and fall towards the gingerbread town! (50 exp)

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- Nix staggers back, candy flesh falling around her, and RAGES! An Enlarge spell goes off and Nix is suddenly HUGE! Her body burst through the top of the tower! (50 exp)
- Seraph, plummeting, holds the girl's body ahead of her. They smash into the ground at terminal velocity and... the ground stretches like rubber. No fall damage in Candyland. (50 exp)
- The girl awakens bleerily... and Seraph drives her thumbs into the girl's eyes. She screams and the world begins to collapse around her. "Happy Halloween!" Seraph says. (50 exp)

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- The world dissolves, falling into an endless void. In the void is the wishing statue. It speaks its rules - A wish of up to twelve words, beginning with "I wish", and it can add up to half again as many words to keep it interesting. (50 exp)
- Floating in the warm void, the party argues at length. (50 exp)
- Finally, a decision is reached. Fuck the mould. Do something good for the world. Nix begins writing... and does it in as many words as possible because she's mad that her wish wasn't picked. (50 exp)
- Final wording - "I wish the pestilent blight of the mould was excised from this earthly plane" (50 exp)
- Final addition - "... but Shub-Niggurath rises" (50 exp)
Total: 3400 exp

- AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAaaaaaaaaaaaa bonus (50 exp)
- Absolutely Disgusting 
bonus (50 exp)
- Aggressive Negotiations bonus (50 exp)
- Balls to the Wall bonus (50 exp)
- Best of Intentions bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal kill bonus (50 exp)
- Child Murderer bonus (50 exp)
- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)
- Diplomancy bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Rescue bonus (50 exp)
- I Immediately Regret This Decisionbonus (50 exp)
- Long deliberation bonus (50 exp)
- Ludicrous gore bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- Split the party bonus (50 exp)
- This! Is! Sparta! bonus (50 exp)
- WWE bonus (50 exp)
Total: 850 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:
- Remembrancer (Charles / Galaxy Johnson - 100 exp)
- Caller (Tom / Seraph - 100 exp)
- Mapper (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Treasurer (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Guard (Tom / Seraph - 100 exp)
- Tracker (Kitty / Bertha - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience (Nix - 100 exp ea.)
- Chippo/JUG (let me know i forgot!)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles, Tom - 100 exp)
- Artapalooza bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Attacco d'Arte bonus (Tom - 100 exp)
- Fiction Fanatic bonus (Tom - 100 exp)
- Death's Witness bonus (Everyone but Tom and Charles - 100 exp)
There are three Clerics wandering the land, giving aid and protecting us in the name of the Three Good Gods.
- Clunge Honey is a special honey from the Demonfucked Mountains that makes the Dead ignore you!
- The Dead Army is on our side now, but rogue Necromancers and the unmastered Dead still roam these lands.
- One of the Necromancer-Generals has taken his army down to the Isle of Wights, he's desecrating the ancient barrows that are the last relic of a former Dead war!
- The bubble surrounding the horrid town of Dunnsmouth has popped, disgorging hundreds of hybrid lizard-people upon the world!

Active Businesses:
- Bone Alone. Wild. 318sp. (Zena's Stake: 212sp, Carrie's Stake: 106sp)
- Spicy Mac's Spices. Risky. 3840sp.
- Honey Healing. Safe. 2014sp. (Nix's Stake: 1679sp. Bertha's Stake: 335sp)

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Loki Axefuck, turned himself and the mad boar he was riding into orange goop via na unlucky Chaos Burst
Exp Totals:
- Fraser / Nix Neckbiter, Level 6 Barbarian: 60359 (Level up at 64000)- Andy / Carrie Meleste, Level 5 Cleric: 25557 (Level up at 28000)
- Charles / Galaxy Johnson, Level 3 Elf (Alpdrucke): 9456 (Level up at 12000)
- Kitty / Bertha, Level 2 Necromancer: 3138 (Level up at 4500)*DING!* +1d4 HP! +1 level 1 spell! +free spell! +backstory!
- Tom / Loki Axefuck, Level 1 Elf (Flibbertigibbet): 2488 (Level up at 3000)*DECEASED*
- Tom / Seraph Dawnstride, Level 1 Elf (???): 1620 (Level up at 3000)

Absent or Retired:- Kitty / POWERLAD!, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 53279 (Level up at 72000)
- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)

- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)
- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)

- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 41566 (Level up at 64000)
- James / Ratimir, Level 3 Ratman: 3761 (Level up at 6000)
- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)
Nix's Retainer--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling
- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)
- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)

- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp
- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)

- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)

- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)

- Ollie / Andromeda Spiderbite, 
Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19872 (Level up at 36000)
Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)
- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)

Tuesday, 31 October 2017

Session 156 - Rock Smash!

I was sitting on this to give Charles a chance to do some more art attack, but he didn't get the opportunity! Oh well!

Another delve into the Barrowmaze brings more historical secrets, a big diamond, and an encounter with spoOOoOooOooky figures with strangly hands.

And this coming session, Halloween special!

See you soon!

- POWERLAD powerpunches the rubble monster!

Session 156 - Rock Smash!

Campaign Date:
Sunday, 7 November, 1600
Moon Phase: Third Quarter
Zodiac: Libra

New Characters:
 Dan, the coalminer who is Galaxy Johnson's depowered Bruce Banner-esque alter ego during the full moon. An alien conspiracy theorist and UFO truther.

Enemies Defeated:
- A enormous rubble monster (1250 exp)
- Four terrifying cloaked figures (200 exp)
Total: 1450 exp

Treasure and Equipment:
- 20sp (20 exp)
- The diamond core of a rubble golem (10000sp)
Total: 10020 exp

- Traversed 10 dungeon rooms (200 exp)
- 3 wandering monsters rolled (150 exp)
- First party to enter Area 2 of the Barrowmaze, the Haunted Tombs (200 exp)
Total: 550 exp
Events:- The full moon rises above Helix, and with the waxing of the moon comes the waning of Galaxy Johnson. In his place... Dan. A miner who only remembers flashes of the past month. (50 exp)
- "We can uhhh... wait a day until your powers come back" say Nix and POWERLAD, but Dan's having none of it. Dan's good enough, he says! Dan can do it! He doesn't need some alien soul possessing him to be useful! Plus it'll be such a meme! (50 exp)
- Coalminer Dan is joined by Relford, a retainer who followed Zena for a while. Though he has no trust in his new employer, Relford will do it for the money. (50 exp)
- Dan has heard that a nice cup of tea counteracts fear, so he bums loose change off POWERLAD to buy some off Spicy Mac. Delish. (50 exp)
- Cardinal Scream is watching from several rooftops, and gives the party a mission should they choose to accept it. Take a wagonwheel with occult symbols into the Chaos Sephulchre of the Elements, it's important to him. (50 exp)
- When asked how to tell where the Chaos Sephulchre is, he says the walls have got a bunch of different dragons all over them. He doesn't know how to get there though. (50 exp)
- There is also talk of a big group of displaced Halfling refugees moving through the scraggly forest near Helix, with hints of a spoOOoOOooOky halloween special if it's investigated. (50 exp)
- Deciding to save that for real life Halloween, the party head off in Grim Charlie's wagon. To the Barrowmaze it is! (50 exp)
- As soon as the wagon parks up, the party jump off into the mud and squelch towards the main entrance. It's chilly. (50 exp)
- Steps are retraced with a view to following the map all the way to the certain doom marked at the end. Nice. The trip is uneventful until they open a door into a pillar room, and see many snakes swarming away from the light. (50 exp)
- The party debate what to do, and hear much hissing. Soon, a snake made up of many many snakes can be seen approaching from the dark. Each snake is biting another snake's tail, a long rope of snake leading to a human skull held in many fanged mouths. (50 exp)
- They shut the door. (50 exp)
- After a time, the hissing around the door stops. In the mean time, Relford has run off. Damn you Relford! (50 exp)
- Fuck it, they pound the door open and sprint through the room! Luckily the snakes aren't interested, and the party get through no worries. (50 exp)
- "What abouit the way back?" POWERLAD asks. He doesn't get any good replies. (50 exp)
- A muffled cry is heard as the party continue, and POWERLAD has too much of a hero complex to ignore it! He kicks open the door, revealing some sort of temple! (50 exp)
- The centrepiece of the temple is a large statue showing a great tentacle and a great silver dragon with a rune for a face locked in deadly combat. In front of this is a pit, from which an arguably Scottish voice yells for help. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD peers over the lip, and sees a classic Dwarf at the bottom! Great big bushy beard and everything! Dan's 50 inch... wait... 50 foot rope is lowered into the pit, and he climbs out. (50 exp)

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- His name is Randy Cobblestone, he was abandoned by his crew, and he feels great shame for breaking open a lorebond in order to not die in a hole. He is easily persuaded to join the party, as long as they can help him get out. (50 exp)
- They continue, and Randy is briefed on basic runecasting. "I've already damned my soul once, might as well do it again", he says. As a Dwarf he's better at it anyway. (50 exp)
- As the group travels through that rubble-strewn room they were ambushed in before, the rubble itself starts vibrating together. A hand begins to form, and as it does so Dan blasts a magma glyph at it! (50 exp)
- The molten rock just kind of spatters onto the slowly forming humanoid shape, even becoming absorbed into the rubble monster's body. (50 exp)

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- A hand slams down, and the other swings round to smack Dan backwards into the wall with a grinding roar. He's already onto Pain tokens, poor lad.
- Randy grabs Dan under the arms and drags him out of the line of fire, it moves slowly, but POWERLAD spots the huge chunk of diamond it has within the rocky head. He wants that diamond! (50 exp)
- Combat is joined when POWERLAD rushes in with a brutal Magic Missile Punch, blasting chunks of its body away only for them to swirl back in. It already seems to be losing cohesion! (50 exp)
- Nix slides in and Dan beams a Size glyph at her, boosting her size and power! Her fists barely damage the stone behemoth. (50 exp)
- Dan, realising that he's close to passing out, passes his Size Beam glyph off to Randy and tries to keep breathing. Randy, for his part, misses with the beam. (50 exp)
- The constant degrow regrow means Nix is having a very hard time hitting this thing, while POWERLAD's hammers seem to be having some effect. (50 exp)
- Nix goes for a big d30 PUNCHU and hits it, but it reformats in her direction and smashes her into the wall, leaving a Nix-shaped dent. (50 exp)
- While it's distracted, POWERLAD curls his hand into a fist, focuses arcane energies, and swaps a spell into another Magic Missile PUNNNNCH! It's a straight up 18 on 3d6, the perfect spell swap! Straight to the weak point for massive damage! (50 exp)
- The rock monster explodes, spraying out rock and rubble and pelting Nix. The chunk of diamond in its head falls straight down, and POWERLAD catches it effortlessly. What a pro. (50 exp)

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- With Dan in a very bad way, it's time to take stock. POWERLAD and Nix say that it would be annoying to turn back now in the exact same room they turned back from last time. (50 exp)
- With some food and some light bandaging, Dan is back on his feet! They continue to follow the map into darkness. (50 exp)
- Suspecting a trap due to the map, the team find a trap! Another cantilevered pit trap, obscured by the now-familiar ankle-height fog, is easily spiked shut. (50 exp)
- The next door opens onto a wide corridor! Battle sounds come from the end of the corridor, where two groups of Necromancers wage battle. One group has maces and mail, the other half-skull masks. They fight by proxy, letting their Dead do the real fighting. (50 exp)
- On the walls of the corridor, friezes depict tentacles surrounded by robed figures being sent back into the ground. The backgrounds change, but the ritual and tentacle are the same. (50 exp)
- Ducking through a door and sneaking around the Necromancer battle, a group of looters making their way to the entrance approach unwittingly. (50 exp)
- They are startled to see the party, and are super grateful for information about the rubble golem and snake monster. One of them offers his pouch of 20 silver in gratitude. (50 exp)
- Another one recognises Dan, who declares that he's Galaxy Johnson not Dan. The guy who collapsed the artisanal mine? Not me! The looters move off, with thanks. (50 exp)
- Meanwhile, down the corridor, the battle is over! Two half-skull-mask Necromancers and a very beaten up skeleton whoop and laugh about their victory! (50 exp)
- They're Tomb Crows, scions of Cardinal Scream, and their enemies were the Ancients. They're stoked, and leave after a short conversation. One of them clubs the skeleton over the head, destroying it, as he leaves. (50 exp)
- The map leads to... nowhere. A secret door maybe? Some tapping reveals the door, but also draws the attention of some black-robed skeletal Dead! They burst through the secret door from the other side, and the party forms up into battle lines. (50 exp)
- Nix and POWERLAD are the first to move, smashing two of them. Weirdly, their corporeal forms blast off into powder, and their skulls drop down through the ground. Soon, the white of the top of their skull clips up through the floor. Very strange. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD is grabbed by one of them, and its terrible cold grip closes around his neck! POWERLAD is being choked out! (50 exp)
- Randy's glyph goes off and enlarges Nix, Dan blasts a magma blob at the skull mound in case something comes of it. Good thinking! Within moments, the skull bursts from the ground cackling madly, reforming its body, and exuding primal fear! (50 exp)

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- Dan trembles in his boots, but the magma does its job swiftly and the reborn skeletal figure burns to a crisp. (50 exp)
- POWERLAD's vision begins to glaze over and he falls to his knees, cold dead hands still locked around his neck, until Nix cannons into it with a devastating swing! The creature crumbles, and its hands unlock from POWERLAD's throat. (50 exp)
- The last floor-skull rises up with visions of childhood fears long forgotten and a scream like nails down a chalkboard, terror grips most of the party. But fighting their fear, Nix and POWERLAD's fists make short work of it and it finally falls. (50 exp)
- In the darkness of the dungeon, the party eats some rations and drinks some tea to get over their terror. It seems to work! (50 exp)
- They flee the dungeon, sprinting through the snake room before they can form up into their big ol' snake form, and make their way out into the cold light of day. Nice! (50 exp)
- On Grim Charlie's wagon on the way back, Randy tells the party the names of the guys who betrayed him - Gavin and Sven. If he finds them, he's gonna kill them! (50 exp)
Total: 2550 exp

- Absolutely Disgusting bonus (50 exp)
- Balls to the Wall 
bonus (50 exp)
- Brutal Kill bonus (50 exp)
- Classic Charles bonus (50 exp)
- Diplomancy bonus (50 exp)
- Dramatic Battle bonus (50 exp)
- Fame bonus (50 exp)
- I Immediately Regret This Decision bonus (50 exp)
- Kill It With Fire bonus (50 exp)
- Noblebright bonus (50 exp)
- Pundemonium bonus (50 exp)
- SpooOOoOoky bonus (50 exp)
- Tactical Fighting bonus (50 exp)
- Tomb Raider bonus (50 exp)
Total: 700 exp

Party Roles and Individual Exp:
- Remembrancer (Charles / Coalminer Dan - 100 exp)
- Caller (Charles / Coalminer Dan - 100 exp)
- Mapper (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Treasurer (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- Quartermaster (Kitty / POWERLAD - 100 exp)
- Guard (Kitty / POWERLAD - 100 exp)
- Near Death Experience (POWERLAD, Coalminer Dan - 100 exp ea.)
- Chippo Man bonus (Fraser / Nix - 100 exp)
- JÜGBRINGYR bonus (Fraser / Nix - 500 exp)
- Art Attack bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
- Artapalooza bonus (Charles - 100 exp)
If you get infected by rot grubs, burn them before they get too deep!
- The best way to recover from fear is a nice cup of tea. Tea? Yea it's this hot new herb drink shipped over from China!
- Clunge Honey is a special honey from the Demonfucked Mountains that makes the Dead ignore you!

Active Businesses:
- Bone Alone. Wild. 318sp. (Zena's Stake: 212sp, Carrie's Stake: 106sp)
- Spicy Mac's Spices. Risky. 3840sp.
- Honey Healing. Safe. 2014sp. (Nix's Stake: 1679sp. Bertha's Stake: 335sp)

Out of Action:
- Gimlass. Broken Collarbone. Healed by: 2nd November 1660.

Death Toll and Injuries:
- Multiple near-misses and soul-sapping terror... but none!
Exp Totals:
- Fraser / Nix Neckbiter, Level 6 Barbarian: 58839 (Level up at 64000)- Kitty / POWERLAD!, Level 6 Muscle Wizard: 53279 (Level up at 72000)
- Charles / Coalminer Dan, Level 3 Human Man: 8036 (Level up at 12000)
*DING!* +1d6 HP! +1 level 1 spell/day! +free spell! +backstory!
*DING!* +1d6 HP! +1 level 2 spell/day! +free spell! +backstory!

Absent or Retired:- Yuri / Bjorn Gunnerson, Level 2 Barbarian: 2278 (Level up at 4000)
- Tom / Loki Axefuck, Level 1 Elf (Flibbertigibbet): 2488 (Level up at 3000)

- Sunni / Larry's Legends, Level 1 Extras: 758 (Level up at 1500)

- Fraser / Tippin, Level 1 Ratman: 1458 (Level up at 1500)

- Kitty / Bertha, Level 1 Necromancer: 1718 (Level up at 2250)
- Charles / Zena, Level 6 Fighter: 41566 (Level up at 64000)
- James / Ratimir, Level 3 Ratman: 3761 (Level up at 6000)
- Tom / Meteor Power Shower, Level 2 Barbarian: 3061 (Level up at 4000)
- Andy / Carrie Meleste, 
Level 5 Cleric: 24337 (Level up at 28000)
Nix's Retainer
--- Huz, Level 0 Hireling
- Tom / Spicy Mac, Level 2 Halfling: 3457 (Level up at 4000)- Eleanor / Mugg, Level 2 Fighter: 2357 (Level up at 4000)- Kyle / Gimlass the Brave, Level 2 Dwarf: 2257 (Level up at 4400)
- Amar / Amar's Cleric, Level 1 Cleric: 1413 (Level up at 1750)

- Henry / Henry's Next Character: +2084 exp
- Ollie / Tremendo Picante, Level 2 Ratman: 2654 (Level up at 3000)

- James / Raaf van Held, Level 4 Fighter: 14838 (Level up at 16000)

- Eglė / Bob, Level 1 Dwarf: 434 (Level up at 2200)

- Ollie / Andromeda Spiderbite, 
Level 5 Muscle Wizard: 19872 (Level up at 36000)
Will / Cecil Fulbright, Level 5 Cleric (Termaxian): 15063 (Level up at 28000)
- James / William Fox-Shitt, Level 3 Cleric (Zeanist): 4571 (Level up at 7000)