Tuesday 26 March 2024

Session 369 - Piercing the Blood Seal

Date: 19 March

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: Eris


New Backstory:
- Whenever people disregard Sydney's advice it always leads to trouble... according to Sydney at least. Get a reroll against the consequences of someone disregarding your advice.
- Divinity's grandfather told her the secret that shattered her world on his deathbed... he never truly believed. A death bed un-confession. +1 Wisdom.
- Hagan the Heretic was being mocked by others for his worship of the Old Miner, and to prove his faith he walked into a furnace and emerged unscathed! +1 Strength.


Events:

--- Chased by a Table
- Sprinting down the stairs, followed by a rolling round table that is on fire and only gaining speed, our heroes are in a bit of trouble!
- They aren't fast enough, and the table's alchemical reagents smash everywhere! Hagan is stunned, Divinity gains Clairaudience, Sydney suddenly gains the ability to empathise! Sydney also realises something odd... their slime familiar is missing.
- The remains of the table shatter against the far wall. The wall itself is strangely smooth cavern stone. More importantly... a blob filled with bones!

--- Familiar Face
- The ooze begins spitting out skeletons... and there's worse. Mysterious ominous laughter, following them down from above!
- As they fight back against the skeletons the source of the laughter appears - it's Sydney's familiar in demon-form! A faceless mouth of slime wreathed in smoke, creating water from the air! It mutated when Sydney died and came back! It screams "you die yet you live! You die yet you live!".
- Hagan, still paralyzed, is tossed into the cart and Divinity is off and running. Sydney hangs off the back, trying to negotiate with the demon-familiar! Good thing they got that book of all demon names, since having a demon's true name lets you make binding deals!
- After much negotiation, the demon agrees to return to being Sydney's familiar... but when Sydney's soul returns to chaos they will switch roles and Sydney must obey the demon! To Sydney's immense disappointment, the demon returns back into being a blob.
- With that out of the way they make fairly short work of the undead ooze.

--- Sigil Time
- They explore now that there's less excitement. Hagan finds a cool brooch under a pile of bones, which makes him go partially invisible near walls! Nice one.
- Further they discover the stairs down! Amazing! There is however some sort of floating sigil in front of it. Sydney ascertains that this is a "Blood Seal" which is impermeable to blood. It looks like someone tried to get through it on the other side and got exploded.
- Sydney's ooze is sent to investigate and returns declaring "vast treasure" is below. The team don't particularly trust the ooze.
- Divinity calls forth the miracle of Augury, allowing her to talk to the God who is overhead today. But wait... it's Eris this week! Will anybody pick up?
- Something does... it has a scratchy voice and says that Blood Seals are tied to blood drinkers. A vampire must let you through.
- Divinity has another question - who are you? Eris claims to be called many names. Eris, the Source... the Old Miner!
- Hagan is taken aback. Could this be??? His God and Eris are one and the same?

--- Ye Olde Vampire
- The party consider nibbling their way round the blood seal, since Hagan can eat rocks and all. Sydney starts drawing a Change-Air rune.
- Green gas starts slipping through the cracks in the door. A vampire is here!
- Unfortunately for the vampire it gets ganged up on and destroyed in short order. Divinity wipes Null Paint on its face to remove its fangs and head, Sydney is resistant to teeth and claws, and Hagan is just tenacious.
Divinity smites it and it explodes back into gas and flees.
- Double unfortunately for the vampire, Hagan knows how to find things he's lost. They follow his lostness-sense towards the vampire so they can kill it for good! Guess he's a good vampire hunter after all!

--- Crystal Eyes
- On the way to the vampire they poke their heads into a cave and see... a black ooze! Not this again!
- Sydney steals the room, transporting it to their sanctum. The only downside is that the room extends out into a prehistoric jungle, bringing up the possibility that their flat is now dino-infested. Ah well!
- Continuing on, they find their way to a hall with crystal-eyed statues. They're fine with Hagan and Divinity... but Sydney has to dive behind the cart to avoid their laser eyes! The cart explodes!
- They seem to seek Chaotic beings, so how did that vampire even get through? Sydney feels very victimised.
- They turn a corner and... more crystal eye statues. Ah well, better take the door.
- Inside is a large hall. The centre of the room is a descending helix of spiral stairs. At the bottom is a big version of the statues, calling itself an Imperial God - a psychopomp who guides the Dead to the afterlife. It destroys the Undead who enter here.
- Divinity and Hagan descend to receive a blessing against the Undead. The Imperial God is ultra-impressed that Divinity is canonically from Rome, since it is of the Romans.

--- Perfunctory Vampire Battle
- They wander on, and Hagan's dwarven stone-sense tells them that there's a secret door!
- They break through, and find themselves in a grand chamber lined with silk curtains. In a pool there are two vampire ladies making out! They attack!
- Despite my protestations they force me to run a fight. I am however quite tired so it is a boring battle.  It was cool when a spell went wrong and made them start vomiting out silver coins, because it meant their regen stopped working for long enough to kill them. The party win after a while though they are nearly dead by the end of it.
- We swiftly leave the pub. It is assumed that the vampires were killed in their coffins and everyone went to Sydney's dinosaur-infested flat.

Total: 7000 exp


Treasure Found:
- 48 obols in trinkets (48 exp)
Total: 48 exp


Enemies defeated:
- A rogue familiar, re-bound (100 exp)
- Blob with skeletons in it (500 exp)
- A vampire (1000 exp)
- Two lady vampires (1500 exp)
Total: 3100 exp


Exp Calc:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 147724 (Level up at 288000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 42755 (Level up at 64000)
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 35568 (Level up at 36000)

Tuesday 19 March 2024

Session 368 - Sydney Undying

Date: 5 March

Moon: Waning Crescent
Zenith: The Lady


New Backstory:
- Hagan the Heretic pissed off a vampire by acting like a vampire hunter! Alas, he had to kill the vampire anyway. At will, cause a creature to prioritise you.
- Divinity adopted the stray dog she now brings with her everywhere! Pet beasts cannot break morale.


Events:

--- Ancient Grains
- Our heroes are deep inside Dwimmermount beholding the great pile of loot they won last session. Job well done! Divinity's dog Giuseppi sniffs around their feet.
- Sydney's prime directive is to seize this room with their new spell - Sydney's Stolen Sanctum - and add it to their extradimensional flat.
- But first they check out the next room. It's a supply room! Barrels of old flat beer, but also crates of ancient grain!
- Hagan needs to get blackout drunk to unlock a lorebond inside his Dwarven soul, so heaves a barrel of beer and guzzles it with gusto. Within minutes he now absolutely wasted. Look at that Dwarf metabolism go!!
- Sydney and Divinity roll the barrels and crates into the treasure hall, then they leave so Sydney can steal the place!

--- Black Ooze
- Sydney casts and... the room is NOT stolen. Instead the contents quadruple in size! Those are some big coins and some massive millet!
- To safely cast again Sydney needs to meditate for a bit. Luckily the next room is a sitting room, it's even got a fireplace. They settle into comfy chairs and Sydney starts rerouting Chaos in their head.
- Divinity takes the opportunity to root around the room, finding some scrolls! Hagan takes the opportunity to blearily stare at the ceiling. Giuseppi the dog takes the opportunity to curl up by the fire.
- Before Sydney can clinch the spell, the door bursts open! Outside, squelching in, is some sort of darkened glop. Divinity sees it and jumps off her chair. Hagan turns in his chair and shrieks! That's a Black Pudding!
- The shriek draws its attention and it pummels him, rotting his armour. Sydney gets slapped too, silver suit melting away at its touch! That's no good!
- Thinking quickly, Sydney fast-casts Stolen Sanctum. They're all teleported to the flat, including the ooze!
- They flee into the flat, Divinity heading straight for Jojo's old room. Inside she finds exactly what she after - a bead.
- She returns in time to see the Black Pudding digest a coatrack and chucks the bead straight at it! Dead hit! The Black Pudding vanishes!

--- Least Relaxing Yoga Retreat Ever
- Somewhere in the Wheatlands the Black Pudding emerges from an identical bead in the middle of Jojo's yoga class.
- On the plus side, dead people can't ask for refunds.

--- But I Always Lock That Door!
- Back in the extradimensional flat, they've discovered that somehow Giuseppe got into Sydney's bedroom and peed on everything. 
- At least there's a kitchen to use! Sydney cooks and calls the dish CaGeOl - it's Worm, Millet, Ale, Deep One, Wine. It's actually pretty tasty!
- Hagen reads his book, The Nature of Pre-Birth, over the evening. Apparently the nature of pre-birth is to be a quasi-soul in a world of pure contentment.

--- Strange Visions
- The next day, Sydney goes and finally finally manages to actually steal that treasure hall. It's zero gravity in there, plus enormous. Oh yea it's blitzball time.
- They catch up with the others who have found a ratman leaving a toilet. He seems nice enough, but heavily mercury poisoned.
- They continue and find stairs down! Alas, only a short set of stairs.
- At an intersection they inspect their options - one direction has a high-pitched whine, the other has a sweet mural of Terms Termax holding a lantern as demons cavort and wail before him.
- Sweet mural it is! There are even mysterious red-lensed glasses. Put them on and the mural animates, demon's souls swirl in multicoloured traceries into his lantern. It's beautiful, captivating...
- Hagen's too hungover for this so takes off the glasses. Divinity is not so lucky, gawping at the colours. Literally entranced. Hagen puts them back on and sees... understanding! He can now identify demon powers!
- They put Jojo on the cart while she's zonked out and continue, passing by the corpse (or maybe shed shell?) of a large stag beetle. There are whining voices ahead! Time to see who they are.

--- Mosquito Men!
- In the room are squat little men with big noses so thin and pointy they're like mosquitoes! They're grumbling to themselves about something or other. They say they'll be nice and only take one life from the party - they've got to at least show they've done some work for their master - Buzzlebreb the Boozler.
- Negotiations break down. Good thing Hagen now has a demon-sense. These are offcuts of a Sloth Demon and they teleport on miss!
- Sydney starts to cast Sudden Siege Engine and the others charge into battle! They keep missing and the little demons keep teleporting! Giuseppe the dog is murdered by mosquito nose, dog-soul sucked into the demon's mouth.
- Hagan gets hit by a crit and is blasted down the nearby stairs, rolling to a stop in the next room - some kind of alchemists' lab.

--- Sydney Sundered
- Several come for Sydney, knocking the spell, causing a Chaos Burst that makes them unable to speak.
- Then swiftly, mercilessly, they tear Sydney to shreds.

--- Sydney Returned!
- But what's this? A flash of light, a whiff of cocaine! Sydney is... back?!
- They're covered in loose flesh like a wolverine. The cocaine heart of a Red Elf has revived them!
- The demon mosquito men rear back in shock. Another demon? But how??
- The demons retreat, buzzing through the air to report all this to their master. They take the dog's soul with them as a final cruelty.

--- Alchemy
- Divinity, somewhat shellshocked, follows the now mutated Sydney down to the alchemist lab.
- There's a big table, various reagents, and a big stone head of Terms Termax in a sort of altar-alcove. Also, proper stairs down!
- The head demands reagents and Hagen discovers it's a potion maker! He puts some random alchemical reagants on a big spoon, it snorts it up, and the timepiece on its neck starts ticking down!

--- Fire in the Hole
- While that's going, some big stag beetles attack from the stairwell! Compared to the mosquito guys these little dudes are easy. A vial of acid from Divinity weakens their carapaces, a magic missile blast from Sydney hurts them badly, and they are soon dead.
- They hear a groan of satisfaction from behind them. The head has finished brewing the potion! It's even labelled - a Potion of Hope.
- It's such a cool room, Sydney just HAS to have it! They cast Stolen Sanctum and... BOOM!
- The contents of the room are ejected and on fire! The massive round table blasts over the top of the stairs, rolling on its side!
- Record Scratch. Freeze Frame. We end the session wondering how they get into this situation!

Total: 11000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
- A Black Pudding, technically (1000 exp)
- Stag beetles, handily (200 exp)
Total: 1200 exp


Treasures Seized:
- Millet (embiggened)
- Flat old beer (embiggened)
- Scroll #690 - Word Salad
- Scroll #6115 - Absorb Potion
- Scroll #6153
- Potion #2121 - Potion of Hope


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 8 Magic-User: 144341 (Level up at 288000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 39372 (Level up at 64000)
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 32185 (Level up at 36000)



























Tuesday 5 March 2024

Session 367 - Treasure Haul ULTIMATE

Date: 27 February

Moon: Waning Gibbous
Zenith: Eris



Events:

--- Return to Battle
- We return in the midst of battle! Our heroes fight a purple-skinned and purple-wrapped Roman mummy and his zombie horde deep in the depths of Dwimmermount!
- Aximander cuts his elven flesh and bleeds, using his elven blood to blast fire at the mummified Velosianus!
- Ashen, he falls to his knees and pleads in Latin for his life. He waves the Roman zombies back into their chamber. Just let me live!
- The party give him a stay of execution and question him. He's guarding the treasure room nearby, which contains vast riches and also magic items. One is the Aeon Shield, a scutum which when broken transports you and your attacker to the past for a time. The other is the Last Chance Ring, which sends you and anybody dying nearby to an afterlife that may let you return.
- When asked by Hagen, he also says that the Old Miner is below Dwimmermount. It was sealed in a city deep below, inaccessible until the end times quaked the world. The Old Miner was copied to make Gods.
- Finally, he reveals that "Ave Theodosian" before entering a solarium will turn off the teleportation maze.
- They clear out the treasure room. The Aeon Shield has a sort of digital clock design, the Last Chance Ring has a sort of "Mewtwo face" whatever that means in the old tongue.
- Hagen leaves a silver piece and gives Velosianus his address, in case there's a functional mail system or something.
- They also take the ball of zombified Romans, just in case?

--- Moving Along
- Sydney tests "Ave Theodosian" on the teleportation maze and... it works!
- They settle down to eat some food, hurt quite badly by the fight. In the dark they see a corpse that looks just like Divinity! But at the touch of torchlight it collapses...
- They eat some more from Aximander's tupperware while Divinity remains on guard. But what's that? Two Divinities?! One guarding each side of the camp??

--- Doppelganger Chaos!
- Divinity casts Bless to prove that she's the real one.. and the other Divinity splits into three! They attack, two at Divinity and one at Hagen, shapeshifting into their target to make it hard to tell who's who!
- Aximander can use his magic-sense to tell the fakes apart, striking at a clone and marking it permanently with fire! Divinity follows up, splatting it to paste!
- Hagen is doing terribly against his copy, fumbling and faceplanting. Thankfully Aximander is there once more! He destroys the doppelganger with a mighty blow from his flame-beam sword!
- Sydney tries to help by casting Annihilate Superego at the remaining false Divinity... but hits the real one! Divinity's superego is annihilated, all bonds of humanity shattered and ego now fueled solely by the base desires of the id. This will continue for 70 minutes.
- Divinity destroys her remaining doppelganger, and turns, eyes glowing with white fire, to attack Sydney!
- The mighty blow knocks Sydney out instantly. who collapses to the ground, slumped and bloody.
- The others turn and persuade Divinity that going up to the pub will be a great idea! Id-led Divinity thinks this is a brilliant idea, and leads the way back to the lift while the others grab some loot before following with Sydney's unconscious body.
- Up top, Divinity goes straight to the bar to dissociate while the others take Sydney to the medic called Daniel Chirurgeon. He puts leeches all over Sydney's face. Fine. Everyone has a splendid sleep that night, even Sydney.

--- Concerning Jonathon Toast Developments
- In the morning they hear Jonathon Toast yelling, "They're here! These red bastards are here! Join me in fisticuffs!"
- The party sally forth, and see the huge meat-airship fighting off Red Elves in their bubble-crafts!
- Jonathon Toast is keeping them at bay easily. The concerning part is that he's clearly evolving. There's a clear sense that he's going to hold them off... but the more he fights, the stronger he gets.

--- Let's Make This Quick!
- The party speedrun through the level, katamari-ing the zombie ball before them, negating the teleportation maze as they go, until they reach the hangar doors at the end of the straight. They listen and hear fizzing... and terrified discussion of Jonathon Toast.
- Aximander casts Guiding Lights and asks them to find their way to "religious awe". Good one! They drift away from the hangar door and to a side exit. The party follows.
- Inside they find... a reading room! The lights continue to the next door, but the party stops to find some books. How did POWERLAD novels get down here?
- They continue, going through an empty room containing only clinking chains and a breeze, and follow the lights to another door. Whatever's behind it sounds like a modem.
- Inside are ratmen worshipping a big square box on a big square dais. The Guiding Lights wink out. It scratchily declares itself Alaunus Version Five but can't say much more. Divinity falls to her knees and prays.
- Via some cheeky Meta-Manipulation from Sydney, Divinity fixes the machine! It can now talk to them! They want to keep going though, so they leave it behind for now. As they leave, the God-bot gives them his blessing: +2 to melee attacks.

--- Mercurial Madness
- There are stairs down from this room, and at the bottom they find some ratmen! These are somewhat mutated, maybe even a little vampiric? In any case, friendly!
- They apparently love to drink the mercury pool nearby. Thing is, they can't leave or they die.
- The party try to sneak around the pool but - alas! - it comes alive! A tendril of ooze slaps into Aximander, creeping under his silver suit! With a metamanipulated wrestle, he throws it off!
- They plop the zombie ball onto the mercury monster and move on swiftly.

--- Treasure If You Fink Your Ard Enuff
- They come across writing on the floor and an arrow, pointing to a door. It says "treasure if you think you can take it".
- Aximander can take it! He busts in and sees an alarmingly large pile of treasure!
- The treasure spirals up and out into... A WORM! A big treasure worm! Its critical bite is warped by Sydney into a miss! Sydney, for their part, runs back to get the zombie ball.
- The others hold the line as more worm-heads emerge from the treasure pile. Aximander crits, throws a head back, while Hagan pins two to a wall.
- A worm-strike fractures Aximander's leg!
- He falls, Divinity heals him, and he casts a spell... alas it's a CHAOS BURST!
- A Realm Tear opens up... it's Zero G in here!
- Despite the setbacks, they slaughter the worms and loot their dripping corpse, coins and worm-blood splattering through the air with consistent momentum until they ping off walls.
- There is so much money in here. They were ard enuff after all!
- All Mana gone, the Elf-Soul Aximander is quiescent and Julian emerges once more. In a deep dungeon. Surrounded by treasure. Awful burning pain in his leg. Aximander did this on purpose.
- They field-dress the worm for food and leave Julian to drag himself and the money up to safety (since his player is going to be away for 8 weeks) before continuing on into the unknown...

Total: 8000 exp



Enemies Defeated:
- Roman Mummy Velosianus (750 exp)
- Some shapeshifters (300 exp)
- Mercury Ooze (250 exp)
- Treasure Worm (1000 exp)
Total: 2300 exp


Treasure Looted:
- 16000 silver Roman coins (16000 exp)
- 1300 gold Roman coins (65000 exp)
- Aeon Shield
- Last Chance Ring
- Vial of Acid
- Holy Symbol of Eris (100 exp)
- Vial of Spices (2 charges, +4 tasty)
- 30 worm rations (30 exp)
Total: 81130 exp


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 140174 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 7 Languid Wastrel: 79270 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Mana!+Free Spell! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 6 Dwarf: 35205 (Level up at 64000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +1 to Saves! +Lorebond! +Backstory!
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 5 Battle-Cleric: 28018 (Level up at 36000)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 Min Faith! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!

Tuesday 27 February 2024

Session 366 - Brogi Gets Burnt

Date: 20 February

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Allfather

New Character:
- Andreas (?), Divinity's pot plant that has somehow gained sentience as a Brackling, also survived the poison as a Punishment Glutton in New Moondin. Clash in backstory explained by unreliable narrator.

New Backstory:
Divinity got in a fight with their potted plant, despite their friend trying to stop them. Once ever, an unidentified NPC here is your long-lost friend! Your choice if you've forgiven each other or not.
Hagen, despite having been entored by Vampdromeda, is no true vampire. Instead he is a poorly built dwarven Stone Son! He was cast out because he does not have the right kind of blood. On death, summon That Which Should Not Be.

Events:

--- DM Doom
- The DM forgets his keys at work and has to cycle back to get them.

My Bowels!
- Brogi is in pain. His bowels are extremely tight. This gut-based venereal disease an only be solved by grabbing some olive slime and bringing it to the chirurgeon.
- Ancient maps are revealed - Carter has an accurate map tracing the way from the elevator to the mountain's launch pad!
- They go up to level zero and discover the remnants of the angels. More importantly they see a load of weird plants. It's fine though, so they continue on.
- After several turns, a smell of olives! Could this be the olive slime?
- They open the door, see olive slime on floor, and oh no little spores. Brogi is playing his sphincter like a very small trumpet and good god do these mushroom men love the smell.
- Mushroom guys seem friendly yet attack - alas!
- Brogi gets mycelial tendrils all across his body but very specifically they do not penetrate him. It's not that kind of game.
- It transpires that killing mushroom men causes them to slowly respawn in the mycelium. Fine.
- During the combat, Aximander fireballs the fuck out of the mushroom men then takes a big glob of olive gunk and retreats.
- Brogi, set  alight by Aximander's pyroclastic attack, decides to run in and kill the last mushroom man. It works! Alas, his skin burns off.

--- Please Give Me Skin
- Olive slime in hand, the crew return to the safety of the first level. The chirurgeon says he can salve the butt stuff, but can't replace skin. Again, alas.
- Luckily Jonathon Toast (a normal guy) is here! He picks up Brogi in one massive hand and conveys him to the medical level. Brogi is to have his skin replaced. In the mean time, a plant occurs.

--- Return to the Lower Floor
- The goal remains the same - go deep, find a god, launch it into orbit.
- They take the recently cleared lift. Divinity, beset by a bit of fungal infection, smites it out of her system.
- They exit the lift onto the fourth floor, as low as they can go, and explore.
- Behind a door they find a room with four pillars - two white and two black. Messing with them they discover that they can make blinding white ambient light, pitch blackness, and a strobe. The next room, when lit properly, has a whole list of Roman Emperor names ending at Theodosius. Interesting? Perhaps.
- They all meet a trustworthy plant who collapses out of a terrarium. It's Divinity's pot  plant given shape and form and mind! Somehow! 

--- Dead Emperor
- They continue down the long corridor and try another door. Behind this is a purple-robed and purple-skinned man on an altar. Other rooms branch forth.
- The figure arises! He speaks Latin! Luckily at least two people were public schooled enough to know Latin, Hagan among them! Hagan speaks to him... and is told that his God the Old Miner is a BEAST who created the Dwarves! Hagan is pissed off and attacks!
- The purple man declares himself  to be Velusian and his visage is fearsome! Fearsome enough that several people flee the room! He than moves to strangulate those who remain!
Worse, he summons zombie legionnaires! They stride out of a side room, hands reaching for necks!
- It transpires that Velusian is immune to mundane weapons, and battle is joined!
- Sydney blasts their Sudden Siege Engine spell down the line of zombie legionaries and kills almost all of them! Velusian attacks with vengeance in his eyes. Alas, Sydney cannot cast spells while being choked by a purple mummy.
- Combat continues. There is GOOD LOOT in the attached chamber, but it is also guarded by further bastards.
- We break for time. The pub is closing. Next time we shall discover whether anyone survives.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:
Mushroom Friends, slain (400 exp)
- Lots of zombies, kebabbed (200 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 119791 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 58887 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 14822 (Level up at 16000)
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 3 Battle-Cleric: 7635 (Level up at 9000)
- Tom / Andreas, Level 1 Brackling: 1420 (Level up at 2000)

Tuesday 20 February 2024

Session 365 - Carouse Merrily Until You See Jonathon Toast

Date: 20 February

Moon: Waxing Gibbous
Zenith: The Allfather

New Character:
- Andreas (?), Divinity's pot plant that has somehow gained sentience as a Brackling, also survived the poison as a Punishment Glutton in New Moondin. Clash in backstory explained by unreliable narrator.

New Backstory:
- Divinity got in a fight with their potted plant, despite their friend trying to stop them. Once ever, an unidentified NPC here is your long-lost friend! Your choice if you've forgiven each other or not.
- Hagen, despite having been entored by Vampdromeda, is no true vampire. Instead he is a poorly built dwarven Stone Son! He was cast out because he does not have the right kind of blood. On death, summon That Which Should Not Be.

Events:

--- DM Doom
- The DM forgets his keys at work and has to cycle back to get them.

- My Bowels!
- Brogi is in pain. His bowels are extremely tight. This gut-based venereal disease an only be solved by grabbing some olive slime and bringing it to the chirurgeon.
- Ancient maps are revealed - Carter has an accurate map tracing the way from the elevator to the mountain's launch pad!
- They go up to level zero and discover the remnants of the angels. More importantly they see a load of weird plants. It's fine though, so they continue on.
- After several turns, a smell of olives! Could this be the olive slime?
- They open the door, see olive slime on floor, and oh no little spores. Brogi is playing his sphincter like a very small trumpet and good god do these mushroom men love the smell.
- Mushroom guys seem friendly yet attack - alas!
- Brogi gets mycelial tendrils all across his body but very specifically they do not penetrate him. It's not that kind of game.
- It transpires that killing mushroom men causes them to slowly respawn in the mycelium. Fine.
- During the combat, Aximander fireballs the fuck out of the mushroom men then takes a big glob of olive gunk and retreats.
- Brogi, set  alight by Aximander's pyroclastic attack, decides to run in and kill the last mushroom man. It works! Alas, his skin burns off.

--- Please Give Me Skin
- Olive slime in hand, the crew return to the safety of the first level. The chirurgeon says he can salve the butt stuff, but can't replace skin. Again, alas.
- Luckily Jonathon Toast (a normal guy) is here! He picks up Brogi in one massive hand and conveys him to the medical level. Brogi is to have his skin replaced. In the mean time, a plant occurs.

--- Return to the Lower Floor
- The goal remains the same - go deep, find a god, launch it into orbit.
- They take the recently cleared lift. Divinity, beset by a bit of fungal infection, smites it out of her system.
- They exit the lift onto the fourth floor, as low as they can go, and explore.
- Behind a door they find a room with four pillars - two white and two black. Messing with them they discover that they can make blinding white ambient light, pitch blackness, and a strobe. The next room, when lit properly, has a whole list of Roman Emperor names ending at Theodosius. Interesting? Perhaps.
- They all meet a trustworthy plant who collapses out of a terrarium. It's Divinity's pot  plant given shape and form and mind! Somehow! 

--- Dead Emperor
- They continue down the long corridor and try another door. Behind this is a purple-robed and purple-skinned man on an altar. Other rooms branch forth.
- The figure arises! He speaks Latin! Luckily at least two people were public schooled enough to know Latin, Hagan among them! Hagan speaks to him... and is told that his God the Old Miner is a BEAST who created the Dwarves! Hagan is pissed off and attacks!
- The purple man declares himself  to be Velusian and his visage is fearsome! Fearsome enough that several people flee the room! He than moves to strangulate those who remain!
- Worse, he summons zombie legionnaires! They stride out of a side room, hands reaching for necks!
- It transpires that Velusian is immune to mundane weapons, and battle is joined!
- Sydney blasts their Sudden Siege Engine spell down the line of zombie legionaries and kills almost all of them! Velusian attacks with vengeance in his eyes. Alas, Sydney cannot cast spells while being choked by a purple mummy.
- Combat continues. There is GOOD LOOT in the attached chamber, but it is also guarded by further bastards.
- We break for time. The pub is closing. Next time we shall discover whether anyone survives.

Total: 6000 exp

Murders:
-
Mushroom Friends, slain (400 exp)
- Lots of zombies, kebabbed (200 exp)
Total: 600 exp

Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 119791 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 58887 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 14822 (Level up at 16000)
- Tom / Brogi Grumblebelch, Level 4 Dwarven Skald: 8235 (Level up at 16000)
Level Up! +1 Level in the class of your choice!
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 3 Battle-Cleric: 7635 (Level up at 9000)














Tuesday 23 January 2024

Session 364 - This Badge Gives Me the Right to Loot

Date: 16 January

Moon: Waxing Crescent
Zenith: The Scorned


New Characters:
- Brogi, a Dwarven singer who sings beautifully but otherwise sounds like a skyrim NPC. Beardless, moustachio'd, and subtly influenced to leave Mt Grumblebelch by the Idea of Wheat.
- Divinity, a Battle Cleric from the Vatican on the hunt for the weird little guy who killed her aunt and uncle. She doesn't realise that the murderer was the recently retired Odo Grumblebelch.

New Backstory:
- Jojo's loyal retainer Barry died during the trip back from the Vatican. With his dying breaths he told Jojo a terrible truth - he is/was/will be her father! Shocked and rethinking her life, she retires to create a yoga studio in the Wheatlands. +1 Wis

Returning Characters:
- Hagan the Heretic, returning after being left behind in the Drudge Wastes. It took months for him to chase down Jonathon Toast.



Events:

--- Return to Dwimmermount
- The party collapse out of the milky portal from the Christmas Special and back into Dwimmermount - safe and sound albeit with a couple of new party members! Mysteriously, despite never having met anyone before, they are trusted implicitly.
- They continue on, their mission the same as before the magical trip to the Vatican - find the ninth god Eris who is buried deep within Dwimmermount, reactivate her, and send her up into orbit so she can complete the orbital defence network.
- Aximander smashes a window and seizes some bleeding mushrooms.

--- Brogi's Mad New Brooch
- New guy Brogi forges ahead. He sees a strange mural and briefly goes mad. He has to be held down until he snaps out of it.
- The others walk through the room shielding their eyes, and head through another door.
- Divinity invokes the Blessings of the Nine and gives everyone a little buff courtesy of The Scorned.
- Inside the room is a big well and a thin walkway around the side. There's a lever on the other side, and glooping from within the pit.
- Divinity uses her whip to pull the level, revealing a gold case! Brogi sneaks round, nearly falls in, and makes his way to the case. Within is a Star Trek style pin. It talks to him like a bad Alexa!
- Brogi comes back as quickly as possible, luckily he's quick enough to avoid the curling tendril of the black pudding that lives in the pit!

--- Big Treasure!
- The next room has bubbles containing a glowing gas. Brogi's brooch chimes and informs the bubbles not to attack an authorised bearer of a brooch. Brogi is free to continue!
- A locked door opens as he approaches, also verified by the brooch. Inside is mad treasure! He's the only one who can get in here! He loads up his handcart with delicious loot!
- He takes it all back out, and Aximander uses his trader-elf powers to inspect the loot. Good thing too, because some of the items are cursed! Selling, losing or otherwise divesting oneself of various items will cause you to halve your intelligence!

--- Buff Rats
- While this is all going on, some ratmen arrive! Their eyes widen at the loot and scurry over to get some!
- Sydney cloudkills one of them, and nearly kills his new low-level friends too! Divinity and Brogi flee the poison gas! The others butcher the last ratman.
- The casting was hurried and nearly went awry, Sydney is now surrounded by an aura of intense plant growth!

--- Go Speed Racer!
- Divinity is on Brogi's handcart. They burst through a door and run into a bunch of swole bipedal unicorn guys! The unicorn men are amazed at this treasure turning up, and ask them to "share".
- Brogi instead FLEES! There is an insane chase scene as Brogi manages to zoom off, zipping down corridors and getting thoroughly lost in what turns out to be a teleportation maze!
- They escape handily, but they're now lost in the dungeon...

--- Follow the Tracks
- The others, none the wiser, have gotten past the gas bubbles and are attempting to follow the tyre tracks left by Brogi. They swiftly surmise that there's a teleportation puzzle afoot.
- Nevertheless, with a bit of luck and a bit of Guiding Lights from Aximander, they meet back up!
- Divinity has already investigated - there's a familiar croaking sound as of frog monsters through a bulkhead door... but that will have to wait for next time!

Total: 7000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
- 2 ratmen and their rats (50 exp)


Treasures Acquired:
- Alexa badge.
- Gold laquered box for said badge (300 exp)
- 9000 obols in old roman coins (9000 exp)
- Amethyst (500 exp)
- Silver necklace (500 exp)
- Gem-inlaid iron ring with Terms Termax face (1500 exp)
- Statue of a female cleric (2000 exp)
Total: 13800 exp


Exp Totals: 

- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 116626 (Level up at 144000)
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 55022 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Hagen the Heretic, Level 4 Dwarf: 10957 (Level up at 16000)
- Tom / Brogi Grumblebelch, Level 3 Dwarven Skald: 4270 (Level up at 8000)
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
Level Up! +1d10 HP! +Lorebond! +1 to Saves! +Backstory!
- Ollie / Divinity, Level 2 Battle-Cleric: 4270 (Level up at 4500)
Level Up! +1d6 HP! +1 Faith! +1d6 Healing Pool! +1 toSaves! +Backstory!

Tuesday 16 January 2024

KILL THE POPE Christmas Special: Final Season - THE FINAL CHAPTERS - Special Part 2

Date: 25 December

Moon: Somehow always full, with a silhouette of Santa in a flying sleigh
Zenith: Jesus Christ, the Saviour, the Lamb of God, the Almighty, Light of the World, Elohim


Events:

--- Start As You Mean to Go On
- We open in the Pope's bedroom. Grogg Greedy, absent the player, is in a quantum state beneath the bed. Jojo is atop it, confusing a seduced Cardinal - Father Boswick. Odo is stuffing valuables into her beard, including a pope hat. Deletion is feeding magic mushrooms to the birds.
- Elsewhere, Sydney is hiding in the Popemobile. They just found some flashcards to complete the ritual in the bench they're hiding in.
- To everyone's surprise, Aximander is here too! He appears at the door and sliiiides under the bed because the Pope himself is coming! Father Boswick and Jojo hide under there too, and Deletion crawls in too after briefly considering posing as a statue. Good thing it's a big bed!
- Odo, finally getting round to unlocking her next Dwarven Lorebond, chokes Boswick to death with her beard. Deletion begins to digest him.
- While that happens, two of the huge guards show up! Behind them is the Ennean Pope himself! I mishear "Pope Urbanus" as "Pope Obamus" and the Pope now speaks in a nice baritone and loves drone strikes.
- A priest, Father Lupin, obsequiously follows behind and notes that the spare pope hat is gone.
- Odo swiftly chucks the hat up onto the bed while nobody is looking. Father Lupin sees it, takes it, looks down, and sees the people under the bed. Jojo fakes Boswick's voice and says it's just an orgy!
- Father Lupin hides a smile and asks the Pope to join him on a stroll round the garden. They leave with the guards.

--- Just a Quick Snoop
- Odo's heart pulses. Ancient genetic locks open. The lore-fetters in her Dwarven soul cracks open further. Her fingers twitch, and the stuff she stashed in her beard falls out as she weaves her beard anew into the War-Beard!
- The others look on appreciatively. It's very nicely plaited, intricate, and somehow intimidating.
- Deletion emerges in the form of Father Boswick. Something tickles in his mind... a door behind the wardrobe! He opens it, and the embers of Boswick's memories let him find the hidden latch. Beyond is a nice room overlooking the city and museum. A silver staff of office is just lying there! He grabs it.
- Aximander is sitting on a shelf, since he's an Elf and it's purportedly still Christmas. Odo sprinkles holy water on a poisoned apple she has (holy water being catnip for popes I guess?) - she calls it Pomme de Pope Morte and calls it a recipe. Who am I to deny this becoming a proper meal?
- Jojo prepares Polymorph Elf so she can turn Aximander into the Pope if necessary.

--- Pope Obamus Returns
- The Pope returns after destabilising north Africa and questions the elf on the shelf. Deletion signals to attack! Odo grabs the Pomme de Pope Morte, attempts to throw it into the Pope's mouth... and fumbles. Odo eats the apple!
- Deletion, in Father Boswick form, steps forward as if to protect the Pope. Psych! He mutates his arm into the paralytic touch attack and flails at the Pope! Pope Obamus falls, knocking his head on the nightstand.
- Deletion eats the Pope.
- Deletion transforms into the Pope.
- Deletion, a hardcore protestant, suddenly realises that he's becomes the thing he hates the most!
- Deletion's self-loathing grows as he ordains the others. Time to replace the Pope in the parade!

--- Switcheroo Switch-Up!
- Sydney is still in the Popemobile, the only person (so far as they know) with a plan. Wait until the Pope enters, summon an extradimensional portal to their extradimensional flat, drag the Pope inside, and replace him in the Popemobile wearing the spare clothes! Perfect!
- The Pope enters the Popemobile. There is a clunk as two enormous guards grasp the front of the carriage and begin pulling it out of the stable.
- Sydney pops out and GRABS the Pope and THROWS him into the Safe Space flat!
- There is a cry of "what the hell it's me!" as Deletion-Pope crashes into the living room onto his favourite chair!

--- Ritual Completion
- The others, who are acting as a sort of honour guard, use the party's incredibly detailed system of winks, tiny hand signals, and mouth twitches to teamchat to Sydney the situation. That's Deletion-Pope down there! Sydney-Pope grimaces but continues the charade, there are crowds after all!
- They go all the way to the Basilica, and Sydney-Pope exits towards the doors. But what's this? Deletion-Pope is there too! And who's that? Aximander-Pope, transformed by Jojo's magic!
- It's a Christmas miracle! Somehow they blag it!

--- The Idea of Wheat
- Atop the Vatican balcony, final words for the ritual ready to go, there is sudden debate. What do they replace the Idea of Thorns with? What's the funniest, most interesting and/or most narratively satisfying?
- They go with, after much debate, the Idea of Wheat!
- It inverts the Thorns philosophy of anti-civilisation, instead instilling a drive for agrarian development and natural hierarchies. Repairing the world and allowing the party's ultimate quest to begin - the goal of transforming the Earth into a generic Tolkeinesque fantasy setting.
- They speak the words, and the world changes! Aximander-Pope releases Dancing Lights and the crowd cheers uncomprehending as the Idea of Thorns, spread so far by Gifflewim, becomes the Idea of Wheat!

--- The Last Treasures
- Gifflewim appears out of sight to congratulate them, and helps grab the Maleficum Demonorium buried within the balcony, which contains the secret names of all demons.
- Since they're all popes, they can access the treasury! Much coin is stuffed into pockets!
- The milk portal opens... but Deletion-Pope doesn't come through. He is going to stay on as the only Pope. He has finally become the negation of the Deletion. As Pope, he will reform and undermine the faith from within.
- The others drift into the milk portal, kicking Odo Grumblebelch out on the way. She's retiring too, back to Mt Grumblebelch. A bittersweet milky parting.
- The rest are deposited back where they started, deep inside Dwimmermount, ready to continue their quest!

Total: 8000 exp


Enemies Defeated:
-
Pope Obamus II (20 exp)
Total: 20 exp


Treasures Acquired:
- Tons of treasure from the treasury (25000 exp)
- Silver Staff of Office (1500 exp)
- Pope Hat (400 exp)
Total: 26 900 exp


Exp Totals:
- Carter / Sydney, Level 7 Magic-User: 112356 (Level up at 144000)
- Ollie / Jojo Fullbeard, Level 7 Muscle Wizard: 76176 (Level up at 144000)
Level Up! +1d4 HP! +1 to Saves! +1 Mana! +Free Spell! +Backstory!
- Kitty / Julian & Aximander, Level 6 Languid Wastrel: 50752 (Level up at 72000)
- George / Deletion Snels, Level 5 Cyber-Inheritor: 27847 (Level up at 36000)
- Tom / Odo Grumblebelch, Level 5 Dwarven Barbarian: 23266 (Level up at 32000)